School drop off is the long-standing bastion of unabashed stupidity. It’s a simple process. Wait in line. Pull up to the curb. Open the doors. Say goodbye. Drive off to enjoy your blissful kid-free day. But there’s always one douchenozzle who can’t grasp the process, and reminds us all that dim-wits walk amongst us.
Every school has one. The mom that everyone has to accommodate, because…. well…. she says so. But in the OC, we like taking the absurd to extremes; the GL450, the fake boobs, the faux tan, and the Disney-princess blonde hair. (Yes, you can specifically request that color in salons here.) All of this in one big plastic package. Her husband must be a lucky man… except for the fact that she has the face of a bull mastiff. She’s like Beauty and the Beast all wrapped up in one.
Now that I’ve painted the picture, every morning Princess Perkytits gets out of her car to open the door for her kid and help her gather her things. Mind you this is something that every other child does solo… because parents are specifically requested to remain in their cars. I’ve convinced myself that she does this in order to reveal her latest shopping and/or surgery acquisitions to the captive audience in the traffic line, who clearly couldn’t give a shit.
But this morning was truly an only in Orange County moment. Ok, perhaps you might see it in parts of Dallas as well. But given the patented OC-princess hair, I’m comfortable with the claim. I was a bit later than usual this morning and the curb traffic was creeping more slowly than normal. Disney princesses are very predictable, and it was of course Wanda Whitestrips prancing her Pradas about. But this morning, in true OC form, our Princess was lint-brushing, yes… using a fucking lint brush on her Jr. Belle’s pinafore; slowly, methodically, and without regard for the traffic holdup.
Now, I’m sure when you lounge about with your heard of Maltepoos, as you poke bonbons in your pie hole, it will make a mess on the dress-blues. Perhaps we could de-lint before leaving the house? Or pull into one of the dozen parking spaces and get out of everyone’s way? Nope. That’s not how Disney Princesses roll in the OC.