Booger eaters will rule the world

They say there’s a time and a place for everything. I suppose at some point in my life, I would have agreed. But that ended abruptly the moment I was told I should consider eating my own boogers for my health. Yes. You heard me right.

Eat. my own. fucking. boogers.

Ordinarily, in a situation like that, I would have ventured somewhere between a choked-back puke and an, “ARE YOU INSANE!?” But at that second I was unable to verbalize even a single syllable. It took me a moment, after snorting with nervous laughter to determine that he was serious. The deadpan look on his face confirmed it.

“No, seriously. Studies show that eating one’s own boogers can boost the immune system and help with allergy problems.”

*gagcoughgag*

Lord knows I’ve had it with the seasonal plague of allergies. But the mere thought of …*gag*… I can’t even go there. I get the theory, people. The gut is the key to our immune system. And if we introduce seasonal environmental allergens through our gut/digestive tract, the body is less likely to go on the attack when they come through our respiratory system. BUT, and this is a big fucking BUT… WHO decided on the booger-eater study, and WHO participated… willingly?

I know college students will do a lot of things for beer money cash for food. That’s why they call them starving college students. But, holy shit… that’s a whole new level of starving. (Note to my children: if you’re ever desperate enough while away at college, that taking money to eat boogers sounds ok, please call home. I will send money. And xanax.)

I’ve done some searching for more natural allergy relief. Ok, ya, I know. Boogers are natural. But NO. No way. No how. Someone actually mentioned trying locally-sourced honey. It’s the same theory as the boogers… local environmental allergens, collected by our bee friends, introduced through the digestive tract. But honey rather than… eeeeeeew.

I can wrap my brain around the honey idea. I’ve already spent a small fortune on medications. So spending $24 on $6 worth of honey seemed like a worthwhile experiment. Plus I’m supporting the local economy… ‘cuz you know those poor Newport Beach people need the cash. And let me say the honey is delish. I’m only half way through my supply. One tablespoon a day in my pitcher of green tea isn’t a tough way to go. However I do expect it to take a while, if it helps at all. But it’s not boogers. So I’m not complaining.

Studies show that locally-sourced honey tastes better than boogers.*

There is plenty I would do to stop the flow of allergy boogs. I’ve run the gamut of medications. And they either don’t work, or make me feel like crack-monkeys have invaded my skull. I’m not good at drugs. So I choose to stumble through allergy season, snotty and coughing. It’s not pretty, people. But I guarantee you, it’s one hellava lot better than eating boogers. *ohmygodgag*

Sure, I suppose there may be a time and a place for everything. But eating boogers will never be one of them. Though I guess the upside is, if their booger theory is solid, and you believe the Darwin thing, booger eaters will eventually take over the world. So, there is that. Yay, booger eaters.

*Ok, it was my own study. And no one here will eat boogers.
I think that says enough. My conclusions are solid. Trust me, people.

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