Dog Wood

Please see disclaimer below. And note additionally that I will be held harmless if your dog follows you around with a lurid grin after using this technique. Using the word “technique” sounds a little pornishy. Please note the “assistance” I have provided to my dog in the past was in no way sexual, nor pleasurable for either of us. Ok, though really, I can’t speak for the dog.

So here’s the deal. Sometimes a dog’s rocket gets stuck on the platform. You know, the missile is locked and loaded and won’t retreat back into the silo. This used to happen to my dog on occasion. If left hanging in the wind for too long, it’ll become swollen and dry, and won’t retreat without “help.” Mind you, this isn’t “help” like the guy claiming a need for assistance with potential blue balls. Your canine boy will have pain and possible infection if left untreated. I’m not talking an hour, or even a few hours. Usually, it will resolve itself. You’ll be able to tell when it’s a problem when it becomes dry, swollen and looks like a bright red, morbidly obese squid that is being choked to death by a pink turtle neck. Trust me. You’ll know.

So here’s the deal. Due to my childhood dog of seventeen years, Herbie, I was able to clutter (scar?) my brain with this useful knowledge. Thanks to Dr. Gregg, the song, “Pour Some Sugar on Me” took on a whole new meaning. (You’re welcome, Def Leppard.) He demonstrated that taking a pinch of sugar and sprinkling it on the, um, offending area reduced the swelling, and provided necessary lube to slide his little turtle neck back over his squid head. Voila! Almost instant relief, and a sweet treat for pooch to enjoy later. (Oh please, don’t go all, “Eeew, that’s so gross, I can’t believe you said that.” We both know dogs do that.)

So there you go. You can thank me next time pooch’s privates are all dressed up with nowhere to go. And let me note, this always sounded to me like this would set up a petri dish of medium for infection. I, or, uuh, my dog never had this problem. But if you’re the litigious type, please google it, and/or ask your vet before doing this. I refuse to google dog penis, or stuck erection. I don’t need to see what “pops up” in that search. Nor do I want to be placed on any google-freaky-shit watch lists.

So if your canine pal ever finds himself in this predickament (*snort*), you’re welcome.

*Bullcasm helpful hint general disclaimer: On occasion, I try to provide useful, sometimes obscure info. I am not an authority on this topic. I can only offer what I’ve experienced. Before using any helpful hints from this site, please do your own research. I take no responsibility for damage, death or maiming caused by using any information found here. So there.


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