I knew that keeping up with my writing was going to be an impossible feat this summer. But, people, I’m happy to report I’ve exceeded my expectations. My ability to suck is far greater than I’d ever dreamed.
This week has been a particular challenge, with two kids in surf camp for five days. It’s impossible not to just relax on the beach, and sleep (translation snore until I startle myself awake, and wipe the drool stream from my cheek). Or to just sit under my umbrella and watch my gremmies surf. So my lack of posts should not surprise anyone. Including myself.
My inability to write is also a result of me mind-fucking myself over turning 49. Which if you’re keeping track, is actually the new 39. So, ya, there is that. And if you have the nads to scoff at this, and are one of those who isn’t old enough to have watched the Brady Bunch and Partridge Family as a first run, Friday night line up, then bite. my. ass. Some day, and sooner than you think, your tits will look like they’re pondering the pattern in the floor tile, and you’ll wonder why you’ve walked into the garage. And more often than not, you’ll wish you knew where the fuck your keys were. That totally happens to the new 39.
Yes, today is my birthday—me and Sandra Bullock. We were born on the same day in 1964. And I still think that girlfriend looks pretty damn good. For years I’ve kept an eye on her, and as long as Sandra is still looking good, I’m feeling ok about my age. So let me make a plea to you, Sandra Bullock. Please keep up the good work. And I’m going to need to request that you’re diligent with the sunscreen from now on. Because I’m counting on you, Ms. Bullock, to ensure the well-being of my aging self-image here. Ooookaaaaaay? Thanks, girlfriend. I appreciate your fine efforts.
This is a short post today. Because I’ve got birthday fun to partake in. I haven’t damaged my children so badly yet, that they don’t want to hang out with me. So I’m going to go play some Minecraft. Yup. Life is pretty damn good.
So here I am, the new 39. I’m going to embrace this like a pissed-off cat, and make it my bitch.
Happiest of happy weekends to you all. And happy birthday, Sandra Bullock. Give me a shout if you need help finding your keys. I totally feel your pain.
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