I’ve missed you! Have you missed me?

Don’t answer that.
HI! I know, I know… you thought I died, or ran away with the circus or something, huh? Puhleeeeeeez… like I would ever run away with the circus. Althoooooooooough… if Tom Mison was the lion tamer… ok, maybe I might.
As IF that’d happen.

So back to my exit from life. I restarted my binge-writing as more of a therapy than anything. Hey, if you had a clue what the hell I dealt with here, you’d understand my need for therapy. I needed an escape from my life. I took somewhat of a break from my design work and played in the sandbox with y’all for a while. You guys are awesome, by the way. It was the well-needed break that I need to refuel my first love… print design.

In the past months, I’ve been putting together a letterpress studio in my design office. I’m having more fun than I’ve had in years. I’m loving printing and creating stationery, cheeky greeting cards, wedding invites, and announcements. I’ve also been blogging over there…. mostly about what I’m doing in the studio. But stay tuned, things could get crazy.

thong

Cheeky is my middle name. Find this card and others at Sparkle Pony.

Come visit me over there. My new studio is Sparkle Pony Press. Most of the cards have the cheeky twist you’ve known me for. Stop by sometime and say hi!
xo

The OC: “O” is for Ohmygaaawdwemustbeperfect

clean-your-dog

I guess the OC Parks people feel our dogs’ south-of-the-tail dump station needs a bit of beautification. According to this new sign, we must now paint our dogs’ butt holes before they’re allowed to appear in public. I’m unclear what color they require… further research is needed. I’m guessing it’s fine, so long as it matches, or at least coordinates with the collar and pooch-pedicure.

After all, this IS the OC, and not looking good is not an option here.

• • •

 

 

If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers

Apparently some Mondays suck more than others

mondaysIf you’ve got antidepressants, apparently today’s the day to take them. Some study said today is “the worst Monday of the year.” Yup, I don’t know… I heard it on the news this morning, so it’s got to be true.

Don’t ask me how they know this, or who wasted dedicated their time to do this supervaluable study. Or better still… who FUNDED this contribution to the world’s knowledge base. But the “fact” is, today is the suckiest Monday of all… so if you make it through this one, it’s an easy ride for the rest of the year. Yay, you.

I suppose it could also be a valid excuse to act like a total dickwagon. So if there’s anyone you’ve wanted to shower with nasty attitude, today could be your day. Because tomorrow you’d be excused… after all, it was “the worst day of the year.” They’d have to forgive you. Or not. Whatever. But I’m thinking that could have been their motivation to do the study. Someone needed one day out of the year to be a total a-hole, and be excused. Because, you know, we’re not really responsible for our actions. Something “made me” drink a truckload of bourbon and get behind the wheel. It was “the worst Monday of the year.”

I think I might call my mother in law today. I’d be excused for anything I might say. Ya know… worst Monday.

Anyway, happy new year, everyone. I’ve got a half a box of See’s candy and a full prescription of Xanax. I should be able to make it through the day.

Cheers!

P.S. Spell check just told me that suckiest, supervaluable and dickwagon are not words. It has so much to learn.

P.P.S. If you drink a truckload of bourbon, give someone your keys and stay home. And put down a drop cloth. Because, well, it’s not going to end well. And you’ll thank me when the clean up is easier. Which is good, because the hangover won’t be.

• • •

If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers

Monsters-in-Law: keeping Christmas real

mother-in-law

Getty Images

This is for all of y’all who have a mother-in-law like mine.
And hopefully that’s none of you.

 

The 12 Days of the Monster-in-Law Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my mother-in-law gave to me,
a dead cat stuck in a tree.

On the second day of Christmas my mother-in-law gave to me,
2 stuffed frogs
and a dead cat stuck in a tree.

On the third day of Christmas my mother-in-law gave to me,
3 scratched CD’s
2 stuffed frogs
and a dead cat stuck in a tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my mother-in-law gave to me,
4 dried cat turds
3 scratched CDs
2 stuffed frogs
and a dead cat stuck in a tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my mother-in-law gave to me,
fiiiiiiiiiive mismatched earriiiiings
4 dried cat turds
3 scratched CDs
2 stuffed frogs
and a dead cat stuck in a tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my mother-in-law gave to me,
6 granny panties
fiiiiiiiiiive mismatched earriiiiings
4 dried cat turds
3 scratched CDs
2 stuffed frogs
and a dead cat stuck in a tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my mother-in-law gave to me,
7 too-big Sweaters
6 granny panties
fiiiiiiiiiive mismatched earriiiiings
4 dried cat turds
3 scratched CDs
2 stuffed frogs
and a dead cat stuck in a tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my mother-in-law gave to me,
8 past-date puddings
7 too-big Sweaters
6 granny panties
fiiiiiiiiiive mismatched earriiiiings
4 dried cat turds
3 scratched CDs
2 stuffed frogs
and a dead cat stuck in a tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my mother-in-law gave to me,
9 broken flip flops
8 past-date puddings
7 too-big sweaters
6 granny panties
fiiiiiiiiiive mismatched earriiiiings
4 dried cat turds
3 scratched CDs
2 stuffed frogs
and a dead cat stuck in a tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my mother-in-law gave to me,
10 rancid lotions
9 broken flip flops
8 past-date puddings
7 too-big sweaters
6 granny panties
fiiiiiiiiiive mismatched earriiiiings
4 dried cat turds
3 scratched CDs
2 stuffed frogs
and a dead cat stuck in a tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my mother-in-law gave to me,
11 poisoned pop tarts
10 rancid lotions
9 broken flip flops
8 past-date puddings
7 too-big sweaters
6 granny panties
fiiiiiiiiiive mismatched earriiiiings
4 dried cat turds
3 scratched CDs
2 stuffed frogs
and a dead cat stuck in a tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my mother-in-law gave to me,
12 used old douchebags
11 poisoned pop tarts
10 rancid lotions
9 broken flip flops
8 past-date puddings
7 too-big sweaters
6 granny panties
fiiiiiiiiiive mismatched earriiiiings
4 dried cat turds
3 scratched CDs
2 stuffed frogs
aaaaaand a deaaaaaad cat stuck in a treeeeeeee.

*curtsy*

And for the record, the greatest gift she ever gave me was the day she stopped speaking to me. Winner winner, chicken dinner!!

Merry Christmas and happy holidays, everyone! xo

• • •

If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers

The Nativity: sponsored by Hershey’s Kisses (not really)

Aaaah, the scenic countryside, the wine, and tradition of afternoon siestas—I do love Spain. Those people know how to live. And, maybe it’s the wine, but they definitely know how to put the jolly into the jolly holidays as well.

Forget your plain old nativity, with Joseph, Mary, Baby Jesus and the rest. The Catalonians of Spain, take their nativity with a helping of poop humor, dealt by the nativity “Caganer.”

Traditional Catalan nativities include the “Caganer,” considered the token for luck and prosperity. If we’re talking literal translation, Caganer means “crapper.” Biscuits bared and in the act—I know you’re thinking it… “holy shit,” right?

I’m still a little confused how a dude pinching a loaf came to represent luck and prosperity. Their reasons range from the “everyone poops, therefore we’re all equal” explanation, to the “fertilizer of the earth” logic. Though the genesis to luck and prosperity still eludes me. Oh well. I’ll embrace any excuse for inappropriate humor. Because that’s just me.

These funny little guys are usually tucked in behind the manger, or back in a corner somewhere. Because featuring your Caganer, front and center would be ALL wrong. Baby Jesus does not need to see that shit. I’m told the Catalonian children enjoy the search for the hidden pooper in the nativity. Because, what kid wouldn’t, right y’all? Hey, don’t judge. We all have our odd holiday traditions. Though hopefully not many of them include people shitting themselves. I’m looking at you, drunk uncle.

Traditionally the Caganers are dressed in black pants and a red cap with a white shirt, and of course, a bare pink bottom. The requisite Caganer business is always present in a tasteful (or tasteless) pile. However, since the 1940’s it’s been popular to include celebrity and pop culture Caganers in the holiday cheer. Because everyone needs little Lady Gaga pinching a loaf in their nativity. Right?

I don’t know if this tradition will ever catch on here. Catalonians embrace the fun and humor along with the tradition, more than the physical disgust of a deuce-dropper in their nativity. But I can say I’m a fan of the light-hearted tradition of luck and prosperity via a little poop humor. Just don’t ask me to stand next to the Caganer in the live nativity.

They’re pretty serious about their nativity poopers. It seems anyone who’s anyone is made into a Caganer. I guess you know you’ve made it if they craft an effigy of you with your cheeks in the breeze.

caganer-brits

Apparently William and Kate poop with Mick. And they have a Beefeater present… you know, for appearances.

 

 

caganer-spongebob

You can tell by his face, that Spongebob’s was a very satisfying dump.

 

 

These are just a few of my personal favorites. Feel free to search “caganers for sale” and see what you come up with. I’ve left off the anatomically correct collection, complete with giggly bits. But the sky seems to be the limit with these little guys. Have fun.

 

• • •

Wouldya couldya throw a girl a vote?

If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers

Girlfriends… can we talk?

smilies-scaryI’m sure I’ll get shit for this post. But I’m going to jump right in here, and I promise to be brief. This makes me sad… I’m hearing complainers, whining about how much they “hate it” when girlfriends call other girlfriends, “mama,” “chica,” “girl,” etc etc etc.

I’m standing up here on my bitching box because I love y’all. But I am going to point out the obvious here. If this is you, and you’ve been complaining about girlfriends’ pet names, go to your room without dinner. Or wine. Or the Costco pack of batteries. And give this some thought.

Here’s the deal. If someone cares enough about me to refer to me in a term of endearment, I’m taking that as a compliment. I may not personally love being called, mamasita, or Sally saggyass—ok, no, that last one is off limits. But if someone feels enough warmth toward me, that they’re opting to call me whatever their chosen term of endearment happens to be, I’m taking it as a compliment. Period.

Sometimes I wince when people say things. Hell, I’m certain I make people wince on a daily basis. A girl’s got to aspire to something. But seriously, I know the intent is only kind and honorable when someone calls me “mama,” or whatever charming name they choose. And I choose to take it as such.

So, Betty Bitchalot, if you try to take terms of endearment, however annoying they may be to you, as a compliment, perhaps you could stop being so angry and focus on some happier stuff. Just a thought.

Thanks for listening, my mamasitas. I love you guys.
 
• • •

 

Wouldya couldya throw a girl a vote?

If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers

Fresh as a morning dump

I’m a girl true to my word. It may take me several years and a handful of reminders to get something done. But I’ve never let anyone down. I don’t think. Except maybe that time I promised I’d fix my brother’s GI Joe after Barbie ripped his leg off in a fit of wild passion. But maybe other than that I’m squared up with the world.

So a couple of weeks ago I shared Poo-pourri’s hysterical promo video. If you haven’t seen it, and you’d like to crack yourself up, poo-phemistically speaking, you can find it here.

If you’re all caught up, then let’s talk poop. I’ve got a product to dish.

poopourriI ordered my Poo-pourri from their website. It was easy and it came in just under a week. If you’re in more of a hurry, they have expedited shipping, or you can get it on Amazon with free two-day shipping if you have an Amazon Prime membership. (which on another note, is the greatest value since, like…. ever, if you do much online shopping)

Anyhoooooo…. I bought a bottle of Poo-pourri to give it a shot. I chose the “original scent.” For me, it was love a first whiff. The original scent is lemon verbena… my favorite herb in the garden. So, yay me! The scent of the product made me happy as a pig in slop. (And if you’ve never seen a pig in slop, that’s the giddy kind of happy.)

With product in hand, when nature called, I gave it the suggested four squirts into the bowl… the Poo-pourri product, not me. With Poo-pourri in the bowl, I sat down and did a little reading. The product scent was nice, and it did seem to mask, and even “trap,” as they claim some of the, ummm, steam. I was pleasantly surprised after washing my hands and emerging from the loo, there was no scented evidence of my business, other than the lovely lingering lemon verbena. I call it a win.

Now if your little astronauts have a longer hang-time before taking the plunge, there may be more odor escape. Or if, heaven forbid, your loaf’s been baking for a while, giving it more time to develop its foul bouquet, and built up some gas power, then your cloud will likely hit the air and just mix with the Poo-pourri, creating a questionable scent of lemony-fresh poop. I didn’t experience this. But I can see where this could happen. But for me, it was effective.

The real test came with my big ol’ stinkers. I’m not going to divulge who it is in my house that smells like death, and whose stench lingers with the hard and fast staying power of the first guy in line at Best Buy on Black Friday. It goes NOwhere. You can throw whatever scented spray you’ve got at it. But it ends up smelling like cinnamon-dipped poop. Or rose-dipped poop. For hours. These are the poopers who are the true Poo-pourri test. I’m so proud of my family.

Test subject #1, who will remain nameless, gave it the four sprays and set out on the bombing run. This particular tester is courtesy flusher. I was thinking that flushing the product right away might reduce it’s effect. But it still seemed to reduce the stench cloud significantly, though not entirely. There are some clouds that refuse to be tamed. But I will say that the smell o’death cleared much more quickly than without Poo-pourri.     Winner.

Test subject #2, is the lingering smell o’ death pooper. I’ve considered building a special outhouse bathroom for this particular one. I’m quite certain that Deathbutt provides such a pungent punch because the stinker refuses to go anywhere but home, and holds it beyond its expiration date. The gaseous brew that comes with subject #2’s number twos is so dense, I swear to y’all, I can see it wafting in the air. So I wasn’t too sure that Poo-pourri would even put a dent in it.

I suggested that Deathbutt use six sprays into the bowl. The label suggests 4-6 squirts. And six seemed appropriate for this one.  Surprisingly, the angry brew seemed to have been taken down a few notches. It didn’t linger quite as long as usual. Although I wouldn’t assume this subject could complete a Poo-pourri-assisted stealth bombing run at a party, and get away with it. It definitely helped lessen the grumpy family comments relating to Deathbutt’s stink factory. Call me Little Mary Sunshine, but I call that somewhat of a win as well.

Finally, subject #3 used four sprays and emerged from the bathroom, fresh as a bushel of verbena. There was no lingering odor other than the Poo-pourri. I think #3 and I shared the same results. We, and Poo-pourri were the biggest winners. Our other two subjects were questionable. But keep in mind that some people have atomic poop, which will never be tamed. No matter what.

Regardless, I’ll still call it a win. I love the original verbena scent, and it worked like a charm for two of us, while helping a bit with the other two. For me, it’s worth every penny. Plus it has a money-back guarantee. I figured I couldn’t go wrong by trying it out.

Comment below or like the Bullcasm facebook page, and I’ll pick a winner to get a free purse spray size Poo-pourri for you to try yourself.

Happy pooping!

Note: I wasn’t paid nor supplied with the product for this review.
• • •

 

Wouldya couldya throw a girl a vote?

If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers

Burnt sulfur and feces

Does your brown business smell like the dumpster behind a butcher shop?  Does the thought of going #2 anywhere but home scare the poop back up the chute? Will you pinch back a prairie dog until the fear of shitting yourself outweighs the nightmare of a brown cloud walk of shame? There may be help on the way.

If their viral video is any indication, this is one kickass product. My completely juvenile sense is entirely too entertained by this cleverly hilarious, yet informative spot. I’ve ordered a bottle. So I’ll follow up with my product review soon. I’ll let the video explain the product and use.

My home should be the perfect test ground. My feces aren’t foul, of course. Mine smells like a rose. But everyone else here makes a barnyard smell like a daisy.

So stay tuned. I’ll have a product review next week. And in the interim, just know that no one is fooled by the lit match. It just smells like burnt sulfur and feces.

Until then, *in my best proper British accent* enjoy a little poop humor, won’t you? I’ve watched this several times, and it still makes me giggle like a six-year old boy with a naked Barbie.

 

 

 
 

• • •

 

Wouldya couldya throw a girl a vote?

If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers

The Labia of Arabia

vagina-stadiumThere are some things that just cannot go unnoticed. And I feel a sense of responsibility to point these things out. Things like, say, a gigantic vagina stadium.

Yup, swear to God. Or in this case, Allah. This piece of modern architecture couldn’t look more like a mother-of-the-earth-sized vajayjay if they tried. Which, I’m calling bullshit on what they’re calling a mistake. I believe the architect is a woman. Has she really never seen one for comparison?

And, sorry to disappoint you. Just when you thought you already knew the biggest cunt in the world, some architect goes and proves you wrong. Get in line, (fill in the blank… mother-in-law, boss, whatever), you’re only the second biggest one on the planet. But your effort is notable. Keep up the good work.

And let me get this straight. Women have to cover their faces in Qatar? Can they bare the beav as long as their faces are covered, or is it just giant effigies that are okey dokey in plain view? Men can erect a giant lady business stadium in which boys can play with their balls. But a woman’s cheekbones go against all that is holy? Color me confused.
devilballoon
I think for the grand opening, the devil baby hot air balloon should take off from the field, emerging from the giant vagina. Someone needs to make this happen, y’all.

I’m begging.

Read more about The Labia in Arabia stadium.

 
 

• • •

 

Wouldya couldya throw a girl a vote?

If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers

Be the Bear … BE the Bear.

sfk-awesomeI know I haven’t done “Stuff that cracked me up this week” in quite a while. I haven’t had much time in the webscapes to see what’s going on in the world. And I seriously miss you guys.

But this week, I didn’t have to go looking for the pure awesome. It came to me. Sort of.

My absence from this blog speaks volumes on my need for a kick in the ass. And then this happened on Monday. I couldn’t be more inspired by a guy who whips out his guerilla mascot tactics and grabs his 15 minutes of fame by the furry little bear nuts. And for this, I give him the Bullcasm “Sofa King” Awesome award. Ok, it’s less of an award, and more of a stupid banner on a blog post. But, hey, it’s all I’ve got.

So I was surprised to learn early Tuesday morning, this guy who took the crowd by storm (and who was graciously invited to leave and not return to Dodger Stadium for six months), was a friend of ours. Mark is a fraternity brother of my husband’s, and has been a friend for a very long time. And the fact that Mark put on a bear suit and took control Monday night is not a surprise. The surprise to me is that he didn’t pull this off sooner.

Look! It’s Dustin Hoffman, front row, center… where else would Dustin Hoffman be? Check him out, he’s liking Rally Bear. (credit: Deadspin.com)

Mark has been a professional mascot over the years. And a very good one. He’s rallied the crowd at two Super Bowls, and was “Tremor,” the mascot for the minor league baseball team, the Quakes. Mark kicked off his career as the best “Tuffy Titan” Cal. St. Fullerton has ever seen. So seeing him in a bear suit Monday night was like a wonderful blast from the past.

I’m the first to admit, I’m no spring chicken. Which consequently would be an awesome mascot. Just sayin. (You’re welcome, random team who wants to use that.) Anyway, to see Mark taking control like that was inspiring.

He’s been trying to get the Dodgers to talk to him about mascotting for them. They’ve been lukewarm on the whole idea. So he decided to show them his stuff. And that he did. And Dustin Hoffman liked it. Ya, y’all, I mean that Dustin Hoffman. Are you out there, Mr. Hoffman? Sign Mark’s petition if you want to save the “Rally Bear.”

So I salute you, “Rally Bear.” Thanks for inspiring me to grab life by the bag of salted, unshelled peanuts. You GO, Mark Monninger. The L.A.Dodgers need a mascot. And you’re the right bear for the job.

All this makes me want to get off my ass. I’m inspired that Mark isn’t waiting around for someone to make a decision. I’m inspired that he’s taking control. I’m inspired that, at 50, the bastard can still do the splits. That kind of pisses me off… I can’t even do the splits. *drops head and kicks the dirt* But I’m done sitting here whimpering about my lack of motivation. It’s high time that I Be the Bear, and start taking control of the shitstorm that is my life.

Have a great weekend, you guys. BE the bear!

• • •

Couldya click below and throw a girl a vote?

If you like what you just read please click to send a quick vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs- The best mommy blog directory featuring top mom bloggers