It’s very clear to me that I’m a little testy lately. I’ve spared y’all my peevishness, and have opted to remain in hiding for a bit. You’re welcome. I try to reserve my passive-aggressive charms for the junk mail people. Since, generally, I’m a huge wussy and hate confrontation. Which is bad for a mouthy bitch. Ya. I’m a complex woman. Don’t judge me.
So last week it was the medical “diagnostic screening” place, sending my Granny a personal invite for a free diagnosis. I sent the RSVP card back. Because I ALWAYS RSVP. And under the line that said, “Come in for a free health diagnosis,” I wrote a note back:
“I can probably handle Granny’s health diagnostics from here. Given that we buried her 18 months ago, my own diagnosis would indicate death. I could be wrong. Let me know if you’d still like me to bring her in.”
I haven’t heard back from them. So my guess is that, even though I’m not a doctor, they concur with my diagnosis. I’m just good like that.
And today I got this beautifully thought out mailing from the Sierra Club. The envelope said, “Just a few nickels a day can help save wolves from being brutally hunted,” with a nickel peeking out through the cellophane window.
WTH? Why are they sending me a fucking nickel if they need those to save wolves? With the image of the dead(?) wolf on the envelope, and the fact that they’re giving all their nickels away… and supposedly just a few of them saves wolves… I can only think they want wolves to be brutally hunted. Assholes.
But still sensing that nickels were somehow important to them, I taped a dozen of them to their card and sent it back in their postage-paid donation envelope. They only had check boxes for $25, $50, and $100. Which is weird, since they’re asking for nickels. So I wrote them a note.
“I’m enclosing four days worth of wolf-saving nickels. I included the one you sent me by mistake. You’re welcome.”
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Wouldya couldya throw a girl a vote?