I’m totally a “to each his/her own” kind of chick. Who am I to judge? I mean, hell, whatever floats your boat. But I think maybe I need to take a remedial sarcasm and pointless bullshit class. Doggy/kitty hooker wigs? Is there a fetish subculture I’m missing out on? Seriously, I try to keep up on those… purely for entertainment value, of course.
Maybe someone can help me out here? Are we making fun of our dogs? Or making them feel pretty… oh so pretty… and witty, and gay? Do they like this stuff? Or are we belittling and demeaning them for pooping on the rug, or chewing the couch, or something? If so, does this work? Because if it does, bring that shit on. I’m all for punishment in the form of abject humiliation. It does seem to work with the kids.
“You pooped on the rug again, Lily.”
(paws the carpet, avoiding eye contact) “Sorry mom.”
“Alright then, you get ten minutes on the yard in the purple Sweet Baby Slutbag wig.”
“But mom, please, I look awful in purple. And the other dogs will laugh at me.”
“Maybe next time you’ll think twice about pooping on the rug, Lily.”
I don’t know. Is it just me? I don’t see this really working out here. I mean, I’m willing to give it a try. But I’m pretty convinced my dog is a closet slutbag anyway. She’d probably secretly like it… but then pretend she hated it, so I’d keep using it as punishment. Kind of like I used to do when I’d get sent to my room. Where I’d read. For hours. The louder my stomping going up the stairs, the longer my punishment would be. I’m telling you, people. Even back then, I was showing signs of fucking genius.
Maybe I’ll give it a shot and see what happens. Perhaps she’ll get a little more spring in her step. A little more confidence. Although she’ll probably want matching purple Go-Go boots too. Slutbag.
I’m willing to try something new. All in the name of keeping life interesting. I look at it as a mind-broadening experience. Like acid without the pesky flashbacks. Now I just have to decide if she’d like the purple or the hot pink. I’m willing to jump into a new experience with all fours. Can someone tell me where I find the matching Go-Go boots?