I froze for a moment. Knowing in my mind that what I was seeing was confirmation that karma exists. And that I’m totally coming back as a dung beetle in my next life.
Once I was able to convince myself that what I was seeing was real, my first instinct was to run and get the camera. There was a lizard. A live lizard, and he was mocking me. Motherfucker was mocking me. He knew that I had just opened a box from the mail that contained one of his lizard brothers from Alabama. And his brother was dead. Not just dead, but the crispy-dipped-in-glitter kind of dead. And I had just squealed with joy at the sight of him. He just didn’t understand.
(If you didn’t read yesterday’s post, this is unlikely to make any sense at all. Keep up, people. For those of you who need to review, we’ll wait. *cue on-hold music track*
Ok. Are we all good? Realizing some of you cut out after reading yesterday’s post, and didn’t return, we can totally talk about them. They’re dickweeds, huh? I know, right? They’re missing out. Free beer for everyone who came back. Not really. Anyway, we’re here, and that’s all that counts. Let’s proceed, shall we?
So I opened the box, that contained Lloyd, and marveled at the beauty of my superbly sparkly get-well lizard. Lloyd looked up, giving me a toothy grin, cocked his tiny head, and gave me a peace sign, accompanied by a duck-lip-kissy-face pose. I think he may have spent a lot of time with a pack of roving teen girls on his journey from Alabama. Ok, ya, not really. C’mon, he’s dead. But I did laugh. out. loud. when I opened the box. I may have even snorted. Ok, I admit it. I totally snorted. Why do I do that more, now that I’m getting older? Shit. It’s not bad enough that a girl’s tits have to sag. And now the snorting thing? WTF. Sorry. I digress.
Now this is the part where it gets a little weird(er). And creepy. Especially if you believe in karma, and all.
I put Lloyd down on the counter and pulled out my phone to take a pic, so I could post a thank you on my sister-cousin’s fb wall. I was arranging Lloyd carefully on the counter top for his photo session, when I noticed outside on the Buddha statue in my yard, a large lizard sunning himself on Buddha’s lap. And when I looked, the scaly little asshole totally flipped me the bird. Ok, perhaps not that last part. But, shit. A lizard. in Buddha’s lap? Does it really get more like, “Hey bitch, you’re totally in trouble with the universe,” than this? I don’t think so. (And P.S. I had never before, nor since, seen a lizard sunning on the statue like that.) Do I have to explain karma, and Buddha and all that shit? Sorry, just go google it if you need to. I realize I risk losing another few of you here, when you decide not to come back. But, whatever… douchenozzles. More beer for the rest of us.
I don’t think the universe appreciated my joy in the desecration, I mean decoration of one of its lesser intelligent deceased critters. And I’d like to point out once again, in case the universe is listening, Lloyd committed suicide in his previous life. He sunned himself to death. I think the technical term is jerkyfied. A lot of women here in So. Cal. should take note. Because I’ve seen women here that look a lot like Lloyd. Minus the glitter and death part. With more mascara. And bigger lips.
Knowing no one would believe me, I ran to get the camera with the telephoto lens. Because I knew if I tried to snap him with my iphone camera, he’d be gone before I got close enough. (Note to Apple: we could really use an iphone superzoom, ok? It’s your fault I missed the shot.) The moment I was focusing in, the lizard got up and scrambled away, but not before he turned around and gave me the mobster, finger-slide-across-the-throat, “you’re totally dead” gesture. Ok, maybe that last part was in my mind.
Then he ran down the fence and met up with another lizard, and they did some lizard push ups while they laughed at me. I was riveted, watching them, half expecting Buddha-lap lizard to turn into Morgan Freeman, before ascending into the heavens. But instead the two continued the Venice Muscle Beach show until they got tired and scurried away. But not before Buddha-lizard flipped me off one last time. Asshole.
(If you like this post, read more about our lizard friends here.)
I know you’re PURE cool. If you like this, please share!