I heard a loud noise last night. And then what I thought was a muffled scream. Since we had an attempted break-in last year, I’m easily startled when I’m sleeping. There’s nothing like someone breaking the glass out of your front door in the middle of the night to make you a tad neurotic for a while. And btw, I’m glad you’re still in jail, you dick. I’ll bet trying to beat up those two cops doesn’t seem like such an inspired idea now, huh?
Anyway, I was concerned about the scream, and waited it out, doing my best corpse impression. Wishing my heart would shut. the fuck. up. I couldn’t hear a thing over the loud beating. Beating that sounded like a weasel desperate to get out of a plastic tub. Not that I have any idea what that actually sounds like. I don’t even have a weasel, nor would I put him in a plastic tub, if I did. Really, PETA. Not even if I were a teenager. And it was a friend’s brother’s weasel, named Jorge. And we were really bored.
My heart finally calmed down, and I didn’t hear anything else. I figured my neighbors were having another karaoke smackdown with their windows open. Which by the way, is utterly charming when you’re trying to sleep and someone’s howling, “Hit Me with Your Best Shot,” with all the grace and talent of a horny cat. Think about a little consideration, karaoke people. What you sound like in your head is not entirely true-to-life.
However, knowing it wasn’t the neighbors this time, I rolled back over and closed my eyes. But I was still waiting for more clues as to what woke me up. And then I felt it. My stomach. And it seemed pretty pissed. Since I have a severe gluten intolerance, the slightest bit in my system can send me into a tailspin. Well, less of a tailspin and more of a… tail nnnnever mind. And I had eaten dinner out earlier, which can result in unintended gluten. Which can result in all kinds of bad shit. Pun totally intended. I’ve gotta have some fun here, y’all.
I put it all together, and realized that the loud sound that woke me up was a huge fart. in. my. sleep. Yes, people. My own. My husband has since decided the word for that should be fartled. I fartled myself awake. You’re welcome, Webster’s. Now there’s a word for that. This is something that every less-than-careful person with Celiac disease can relate to. Gluten = farts. That, and so much more. Yaaaay, gluten!
So, once I figured out the loud noise, the source of the scream became clear. Apparently when I
startled fartled myself, I also let out a little scream. Hey, those can be scary. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. Everyone does it… on average 35 times a day. Look it up. Perhaps yours are all when you’re alseep. And they don’t fartle you awake. Lucky you. But I’ll bet your spouse can tell a tale or two about you tooting your trumpet in the middle of the night. They’re just too polite to mention it to you. Or they’re keeping the recordings for ammo, to whip out at your next party. If I were you, I’d ask before it’s too late. There’s nothing like a surprise video of you farting in your sleep to liven up a party.
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