Happy Neighbor Feces Day!

I’ve been a little busy doing some P.I. work. One of my neighbors made a deposit in my front planter. Well, not her personally. That would have provided far more humorous footage. Actually, she dumped her dog’s biz-in-a-bag in my planter. And after review of our security footage, I came up with images of the missing owner of the forsaken crap bag. I love security cameras.


Left: Cone of shame dog emerges from behind the planter. Right: Two seconds later, we see the shitbag flinger, a split second after bag release. Seconds prior, she was visible at the top of the frame, carrying the bag o’ crap. Did I say I love security cameras?

The caught-brown-handed photos had to be put to good use. Otherwise, why have the cameras, right? So I put this sweet little yard art together. I think it beats the hell out of garden gnomes, don’t you?



I’m thinking I need to get her a cone of shame of her own. So she and her pooch can match. Maybe I’ll put one on her porch for her to wear. Gucci, of course. I’ll write on it for her:  “I’m a bad, bad girl. I left bags of my dog’s shit in my neighbors’ planter. I should be punished. Please point and laugh at me.”

I’ve had fantasies. Seriously. Not those kind, you sicko. My fantasy involves knocking on her door and handing her the shit bag, while squirting her in the face with one of those puppy training squirt guns. Then sternly pointing at her, and in a firm voice saying, “No, BAD girl.” I can see my mug shots in the newspaper under the headline, “Neighbor assaults Asian lady with squirt gun and bag of feces.” Second thought… perhaps it’s a bad plan.

I also like the idea of gathering up every piece of dog doo I can find in my yard, and on the green belt and delivering it to her personally, in a gift bag with a card. I can write on the card:
Good neighbor, I had no idea until you left me the kind gift on my yard; that a bag of dog feces is a gesture of neighborliness in your culture. I apologize for my ignorance. And I promise to uphold your cultural practice with strict regularity. I will even inform all of our neighbors that we have been terribly remiss. And we should all shower you with the feces of your cultural practices, as a show of good neighborliness. Thank you so much for providing me with this education. Happy Neighbor Feces Day!


The actual bag of crap is attached to the sign.

I’m pretty sure that would be fun.

I don’t know what my next move will actually be. I’m enjoying the fact that my neighbor’s photo is on a sign in my front yard with a bag of dog shit attached. I’m all about shame as punishment, in a case like this. However the crap bag is getting a little ripe in the sun. I may have to return it to her soon. I’m pretty sure my neighbor doesn’t like the sign. Though she’s walked by it twice since I put it up. I may need it translated into Chinese for full effect. I’m not sure she can read it as is. She doesn’t speak English… at least not to any of her neighbors. My other neighbors can read it, however. And that, my friends is the important part.

There are worse things than doing something stupid in full view of security cameras. But doing something stupid in full view of a blogger-nerd’s security cams gets you instant douche nugget status on the interwebs, baby.

Happy Neighbor Feces Day, y’all!

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